


My sexuality makes me a burden

by soongiedoongiedori



Category: Stay - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Canon, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sad, but all is well at the end, minsung - Freeform, slowburn, suffering alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:22:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26958010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soongiedoongiedori/pseuds/soongiedoongiedori
Summary: Minho has worked just as hard as the other members to become an idol, so why does he feel so guilty when Chan says they’re about to debut? Minho has known he’s gay but doesn’t want anyone else to know. He feels like his sexuality makes him a burden and can’t face the judgement. Worse yet, he likes one of his own members and doesn’t know what to do. He suffers in silence until he reaches his breaking point and his whole world comes crashing. How will he fix this?
Relationships: Han/Lee Minho, Minsung, han/minho, leeknow/han
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68
Collections: Minsung





	My sexuality makes me a burden

Months of working endlessly hard towards the dream he always wanted, and yet he felt a heavy weight on his chest as if he couldn’t breathe, when Chan had announced they’d be debuting as a group. This was everything Minho ever wanted- he wanted to be a singer, a performer, an idol. So why couldn’t he be happy? Why wasn’t he jumping and screaming with glee like the rest of his members when all his hard work was starting to pay off? He felt like he didn’t deserve it; he felt like it was unfair for his team to take him in and allow him a chance at debut when they didn’t know who he truly was. And once they found out, he knew it wouldn't be the same.

When Minho was 16, he realized he was gay. It all started when he started having feelings for a boy in his dance class, and he didn’t know why. He always thought he was straight, he had a girlfriend, multiple rather, before. But this guy- this guy was doing all sorts of things to his heart and that’s when he realized that there was a reason behind his previous failed relationships. He liked boys. Not in the way he thought he liked girls. He was gay. And he never thought it would be such an issue until he joined JYP and fell for someone, who now was going to be his teammate.

“Minho, why do you seem so expressionless?” Chan asked laughing, walking towards him amidst the chaos in the room. His arms wrapped around Minho’s body warmly, and Minho’s mind was still running, confused if he should tell Chan or act all happy like the other members to not cause any issue.

“I know it’s shocking, but we're going to debut. You’ve worked so hard and I’m so proud of you. You should be proud of yourself as well.” Chan continued, now looking into Minho’s eyes. He didn’t know how to respond so all Minho gave Chan was a warm smile, and the latter returned it. His eyes darted to the other members in the room, giving each other hugs and laughing, crying. His eyes met with Jisung’s who was busy giving Seungmin a hug with his eyes welled up with tears. Jisung looked at him warmly and gave a light laugh, embarrassed by how Minho was currently seeing him. Minho returned the laugh, his heart now beginning to throb. His mind felt foggy and his chest heavy. Was it guilt he was feeling? He quickly told Chan he was going to go to the bathroom and ran to the furthest one down the hall so he wouldn’t have the possibility of running into any of his members. He slapped his face with pools of cold water to get him out of his head and face reality. What was happening? He couldn’t do this. He was debuting with a group of guys, one he already liked so much it hurt. Once they found out, their relationship was going to be ruined and Minho didn’t want to risk that. He couldn’t. They meant too much to him. But at the same time, debuting meant so much to him as well. What if he couldn’t get this chance again? 

Minho’s head stopped feeling foggy, rather aching now. He didn’t know what to do, who to tell. No one knew he was gay, and he wanted to keep it that way as long as possible. He couldn’t bear the judgment. He closed his eyes to stop his body from shaking, and remembered Jisung’s smile that he saw minutes ago- how happy he looked, how hard he and the other boys worked for this. If Minho said he wanted to leave the group right after they got the news of their debut, it would crush the others. They didn’t deserve that. Jisung didn’t deserve that. Minho wiped his face and told himself that he wouldn’t break the news tonight, or at least for a few days. It would be selfish to impose his problems on his members and strip away the happiness they worked so hard towards.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
The boys were going to have a mini-party in their dorms by ordering in food in celebration of their now confirmed debut. Minho felt guilty participating in the event when he knew that in a few days time, he would be telling the members that he couldn’t be a part of the very thing they were celebrating right now. But, he pushed all his thoughts and sadness aside, and tried to present himself as happy as the others. They didn’t deserve to be torn just because Minho was gay and couldn’t debut with them. 

The food got delivered and the members began running to the living room. Chan went to grab plates, and Changbin began undoing the packaging of their food. In a few moments time, everyone was so happy, laughing and teasing one another, talking about their dreams and goals that they wanted to achieve now that they could debut. Minho was listening to Hyunjin talk about his wish to perform on a big stage at the end of the year award shows, when he felt someone lay their head in his lap. For a second, he was surprised, but looked down to see Jisung trying to find a comfortable position. His heart began beating faster, but this was something Jisung did so often to him. Skinship was so common between the members that something as mere as Jisung putting his head in Minho’s lap shouldn’t have been a big deal. And it probably wasn’t to Jisung, since this was all platonic. Yes, platonic. Even though Minho’s heart was bursting out of his chest, Jisung was acting like he always did towards him. Ever since pre-debut, they’ve both been super close, like best friends. That’s probably why Minho developed feelings for him and couldn’t bear the thought of risking this precious friendship they developed, let alone losing him completely if he ever confessed. Minho began running his hand through Jisungs hair, just like how he knew the latter liked it, and Jisung began nuzzling closer to Minho. Quickly he looked up and gave Minho a smile, before putting his attention back to what Hyunjin was saying. Minho felt happy, but guilty at the same time- happy that he could be with Jisung, even if it was just as friends, but guilty that he liked him in a non-platonic way. ‘If only I wasn’t like this,’ Minho thought to himself. ‘Then I could have everything I worked so hard for.’

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Minho intended to break the news of his departure from the soon-to-be group within a few days since their debut got confirmed, but that didn’t happen. All the members were so happy, and working so hard that he didn’t have it in him to tell them- to be the reason behind their broken hearts. He began getting preoccupied with helping with the choreography for their debut song, that time escaped his grasp and now there was only a week left until their debut showcase. During the night when everyone was asleep, Minho stared at the ceiling above him, mind running and thoughts spiraling. Jisung was laying next to him sleeping soundfully, which was pretty common as they both slept together pretty often watching movies or talking. It was 4 in the morning and Minho’s thoughts wouldn’t let him sleep. He didn’t know what he was doing right now. Was he giving them false hope? Was he really about to debut with the members, even though he was gay? Or even worse, they didn’t know about him being gay? Tears began welling up in Minho's eyes because he was so confused. And frustrated. He didn’t know who to talk to, who to tell. Chan worked so hard to finally debut and Minho didn’t want to put the burden of his problems on the leaders shoulders. Chan didn’t deserve that. Minho looked to Jisung sleeping beside him peacefully, his brown hair draped over his eyes and his cheeks squished against the pillow. He looked so cute. And Minho hated the fact that he thought that when he saw Jisung. For once, he hated being gay. He hated that it was something he couldn’t change. He hated that it was something he let impede on his debut, something that he was willing to allow him to sacrifice the very dream he’s always had. There wasn’t much he could do about it now though. He was head over heels for Jisung, but the latter considered everything platonic. Just like he did with every other member. Minho got up from his bed and pulled out a spare mattress from their closet. He laid it beside his bed where Jisung still lay asleep, and layed down on it. At this point, all he could do was try to get rid of his feelings for Jisung. That would be one step closer to preventing himself from being the downfall- worse yet, the embarrassment- of his group. Minho layed alone on the ground, his eyes glossy with tears, as Jisung layed alone a few meters away from him, twisting and turning in his sleep from the sudden lack of warmth. From the sudden lack of Minho.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The morning came and Minho realized Jisung was already out of bed. After turning off his alarm, he looked at his phone and realized that practice was going to start in around an hour and a half. Minho groaned and got up from his mattress, going to the washroom to take a quick shower before the other remaining members got up. Chan and Changbin were already at the studio since the morning, so Minho naturally thought Jisung would be there too. Much to his surprise, he saw Jisung in the living room gathering his things before leaving as well. Their eyes met and Jisung gave Minho a smile.

“Hey hyung.”

“Morning.” Minho replied, trying his best to keep the conversation between them as short as possible. Minho really wanted to get over Jisung, because maybe then, he wouldn’t feel the need to come out to his members and destroy everything they worked so hard for.

“Why’d you leave the bed and sleep on the ground?” Jisung asked, while still throwing things in his bag.

“Just felt like it.” Minho responded dryly. He wasn’t going to tell Jisung how he was panicking last night- how he felt like a burden to his group and hated the fact that he was gay and was crying quietly so no one would hear. He couldn’t.

Jisung looked at him for a brief second, confused by the dry answer.

“Was I snoring too loud?” he asked laughing, trying to lessen the weird tension. Minho didn’t respond and went to pour some cereal into a bowl.

“We gotta work hard for the next few days hyung. Showcase is in a week, we’re finally going to debut!” Jisung said happily, trying to fill the silence roaming in the air. The thought of their debut being so close made Minho’s chest feel heavy. He quickly poured some milk into his bowl, and took his cereal back into his room, passing by a confused Jisung. After a while, he heard Jisung leave, and Minho let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Minho tried his best to ignore Jisung, or at least minimize the amount of contact or conversation they had. It was rude, he knew that. But he needed to get over Jisung. That was the only way he felt like he could stay in the group. The only way the other members wouldn’t find out he was gay. Jisung tried to talk to Minho, asking him if he wanted to watch a movie, if he wanted to go to the convenience store. But after 2 days of trying, he started to back away slightly. He was aware that Minho was ignoring him but he couldn’t figure out why. Had he said something? Did he do something that made Minho upset with him? As Jisung and Minho were stuck hip to hip with one another all day long, the members caught on to their awkwardness. Especially Chan. The leader immediately realized something was wrong between the two of them and tried to bring it up with Minho after practice one day.

“Hey Minho, can I talk to you for a second?” Chan asked once the members began leaving for the dorm.

“Yeah sure, what’s up hyung?” Minho replied. He was sweaty and tired and really just wanted to go home but Chan had a worried look on his face which made Minho feel like this wasn’t a time to tease and complain.

“Are you and Jisung fine?” Chan asked in a soft tone, yet with a concerned look evident on his pale face. Minho felt a lump in his throat, he didn’t know what to say. It was obvious that he’d been distancing himself from Jisung, but he also couldn’t blatantly say that it was because he was trying to get over him.

“Yeah hyung, why?” Minho responded, looking down at his feet so the latter wouldn’t see the guilt of lying in his eyes.

“I don’t know, it seems like you’re ignoring him. You don’t even talk to him anymore, or look at him in the eyes. If there’s something you’re upset about, you can always tell me.” 

Minho didn’t know what to say or do. He knew the leader had pure intentions, but he couldn’t tell him what was really going on inside his head. Or his heart for that matter.

“You know I would.” Minho replied softly, giving Chan a small smile. Chan knew Minho well enough to know he was hiding something, but he thought right now wouldn’t be a good time to push. So he reciprocated the smile, and walked back to the dorm with Minho.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
There were 4 days left until their debut showcase and everyone was getting more and more stressed out. Practices ran until 3 in the morning, the members were all running on no sleep. But despite all this, the excitement that filled their bodies overpowered their tiredness. It was 7pm and the members were all still in the practice room, perfecting their choreography. 

“Okay guys lets run through this once more and then we can take a break.” Minho said. He turned on the music and watched the choreography like a hawk, trying to take out any remaining mistakes. 

“Jisung, extend your hand further in the beginning. It looks awkward if you don't.” Minho said, looking at Jisung through the mirror.

“So now you wanna talk to me..” Jisung murmured under his breath, giving a light scoff. 

“What’d you say?” Minho replied, annoyed with what he knew was Jisung’s attitude towards him. Jisung was so fed up, and exhausted by the dance, that he wasn’t thinking all so clearly. For some reason, he was getting annoyed at Minho actually wanting to talk to him all of a sudden, even if it was for criticism towards their dance. He walked up to Minho directly looking into his eyes, as the rest of the members stood in their positions confused.

“I said so now you want to talk to me.” Jisung answered loudly in the silent room, staring directly into Minho’s eyes which weren’t darting his own.

“Are you really doing this right now?” Minho asked annoyed, and partially embarrassed at the sudden confrontation in front of his members.

“Yeah I am! I love how you ignore us all day but all of a sudden, when you feel like it, you think it's okay to give your two unneeded cents. You’ve been ignoring me, denying my existence rather, for the last 3 days, and now you’re going to stand here and criticize my dancing. Why? Because we’re all so bad, we need Mr. Minho to come and help us? We’re so unworthy of being talked to unless it’s when you think we need your help?! I rather not!” Jisung exclaimed loudly, still staring Minho down. He didn’t know why he just said that, and he knew for a fact that he didn’t mean it. But for some reason, his pent up anger and frustration at Minho completely ignoring him came out that way.

“I’m just trying to help the group..” Minho responds as calmly as possible despite his hands shaking. His heart is beating so fast and he feels so regretful towards Jisung. But he can’t show it, he can’t make them worry for him.

“What have you done for our group besides being a nuisance?!” 

Ouch.

“Jisung!” Chan yelled back, eyes wide.

There was the million dollar question. And the boy he loved most asked it. Minho felt taken aback, his soul leaving his body. All of a sudden, the thoughts of being a burden to the group, a person to only bring them judgement for the way he was, came crashing back. He didn’t know what to do. He looked at Jisung deep into his eyes and only saw pain- heartbreak. Without another word he walked past Jisung and out the door, leaving all the members behind in shock.  
———————————————————————Jisung was so frustrated. With Minho not talking to him, Jisung realized the extent of how much he needed him. How important he was to him. How he didn’t need him simply as a member to lean on, but a partner. He liked him. More than friends. And the fact that Minho wasn’t being as affectionate or talkative or happy around him made his heart ache so bad. He missed him. But most importantly he needed him, more than ever. He didn’t know what to do now since he fucked up so bad. He regretted everything he said to Minho but couldn’t find himself to apologize either because he was so embarrassed of what happened. After Minho left the room, only then did Jisung fully digest what had just happened- what he had done. It was obvious to everyone that something was bugging Minho the last few days and he just had made it worse by calling him a nuisance. A nuisance. When all Minho was trying to do was help the members out with choreography.

After Minho left the practice room, he avoided Jisung to an extent that he never avoided him before. It wasn’t because he was mad at what had happened, but it was because Minho felt regretful. He truly felt like all he was doing was being a burden to his group at this point. And being around Jisung, or any of the members for that matter, made his regret and guilt simply accelerate. There was tension whenever Jisung and Minho stood in the same room together. Neither of the two had cleared up any issues they had. And their showcase was creeping up so fast, the members were getting worried that the chemistry within the group was deteriorating before they even debuted. 

There were two days left until the showcase and the boys were working harder than ever. Minho on the other hand was suffering from mental chaos. Not only had he still not gotten over Jisung, but he already began adding so many problems into the group. He felt like shit to say the least. He spent his nights crying, stressed at the fact that he’d been leading on his group when they didn’t know he was gay. They didn’t know he liked a member. If only he’d broken the news to Chan the day their debut was confirmed. Sure, it would have torn their hearts, but at least they wouldn’t have been lied to like this. This was way worse. Minho felt nothing but guilt. He hated being gay. He hated lying. He hated that he was so irresponsible. His world was crashing and he didn’t know how to save himself. The closer they got to their debut, the more suffocated he felt. Everything was falling apart.

Minho got up from his bed to go grab a light snack from the kitchen, when he passed by Changbin and Seungmin’s room. 

“I just don’t understand what the issue between them is. Why can’t Minho just tell us what happened, or at least try to resolve it himself. Our debut is in 2 days and we have two members completely ignoring each other. It’s so annoying honestly.” Changbin said to Seungmin.

“I know. Chan’s probably so stressed out. I don’t know why they thought right now was the perfect time to fight.” Seungmin replied with a sigh.

Minho stood outside their door, speechless. Changbin and Seungmin hadn’t said anything necessarily mean, or inaccurate. But for some reason, Minho felt his eyes welling up. Maybe this was the last straw. His selfishness was beginning to stress and annoy the others. It was all his fault. He didn’t know what to do, so he ran to his room to grab his jacket. 

“I’m gonna go practice,” he quickly told Jeongin who was sitting on the couch, before running out the door and not sparing him another glance. He didn’t want to be around the members right now, they couldn’t see him in this state. He also didn’t want to go to their practice room because Hyunjin and Felix were there, and he didn’t want to see anyone. So he ran, and ran, and continued to run in a direction that he didn’t know led where. He felt tears running down his face. All the sadness and anger at himself that he tried so hard to bottle up was flowing out now. He felt vulnerable. He hated everything about this situation- his relationship with Jisung was fucked up now, the members were stressed because of his behaviour, and he felt completely and utterly alone. Minho found himself at some river God knows where, and he stared out into blue water crying. Tears streaming down his face, he couldn’t stop. He felt nothing but regret and guilt. The members didn’t deserve this, they didn’t deserve a burden to their team. He didn’t know what to do. He felt so hopeless. The past week had been so hard for him, and now he felt like he was completely broken. He felt unable to put up the fake smile that he had been for the last few months. Everything was going to shit, and it was because of him. Minho felt a few drops of water on his head, when he realized it started raining. Hard. But he didn’t move. He stood exactly where he’d been standing the last ten minutes and continued crying. Maybe the universe was crying for his misery too.

Back at home, Chan was beginning to get worried. It was pouring like crazy outside and Minho still wasn’t home.

“He told me he was going to go practice. He seemed like he was in a rush..” Jeongin told Chan again for the third time. The members were all gathered in the living room, confused as to where Mnho was. Hyunjin and Felix even made it back home 15 minutes ago and told Chan that Minho never came to the practice room. That just made Chan even more worried. They tried calling him but Minho wouldn’t pick up.

“Maybe his phone is dead..” Changbin said, trying his best to lessen the worry within the members.

“It’s not. If it was, the ring wouldn’t go through. He’s obviously declining our calls on purpose.” Chan replied annoyed. The leader was going through so much stress right now, and it was obvious that Minho wasn’t any better. Chan knew that something was bothering Minho the last week but he didn’t try to push it- he just thought of it as last minute anxiety before their debut. With each passing second of Minho not coming home, Chan was beginning to get more and more annoyed. 2 hours and dozens of unanswered phone calls later, they heard the door unlock. Minho walked inside drenched in water, not even making eye contact with the members in the living room who were staring him down in silence. He began taking off his shoes, turning his body towards the direction of his room before Chan walked up to him and grabbed his hand, pulling him to look at him. Minho stared at Chan blankly, with his wet, dripping hair covering his eyes.

“Where were you?” Chan asked sternly. Minho continued looking at him with a blank expression, not replying.

“I said where were you Minho.” Chan iterated again, even more annoyed. He was irritated at the fact that Minho was gone for hours straight, and now didn’t have the audacity to answer the leaders' questions. Chan's stern voice made Minho begin slightly shaking, the waves of emotions he experienced the last few hours hitting him again. He stared at Chan for another 10 seconds, before he broke down. Yes, Minho broke down in front of his leader, his members, who never had seen him in that state before. He began crying, holding his red face within his palms. Chan looked at him, shocked at what he was seeing. Quickly he took his arms and put them around Minho’s wet body, hugging him so tight as if he was trying to hold together the broken pieces that made up the boy. Minho continued crying, louder, at the leader's affection towards him. The members still stood there shocked at the sight, not knowing what to do. Jisung especially looked at Minho with his own eyes welling up with tears, for some reason feeling guilty for what he said to him a few days prior- how shitty their precious relationship had become. Minho’s sobs could be heard in the whole dorm, he was finally letting out all his months pent up anger and frustration and sadness at himself. 

“What happened Minho..” Chan quietly questioned, still holding Minho tight against himself. Minho eagerly shook his head against Chan's neck, not wanting to tell him what really had been going on inside his head. He was scared of talking, as his current vulnerable state could let him say anything and everything- stuff he didn’t want them to know. After a while, he let go of Chan. He silently looked at him with his swollen eyes, and quietly made his way to his room before going to take a shower. Chan continued to stand there staring at the door, confused and worried.

With the night approaching, the members began getting ready for bed and Chan took this as an opportunity to question what was going on with Minho. He couldn’t just stand there and watch his precious member deteriorate before his eyes without doing anything to stop it. Chan told Hyunjin and Felix to not come inside the room until he was done talking to Minho. He sat on Minho’s bed, as the latter sat up himself and avoided the leader's eyes. 

“Minho, what’s going on..” Chan began asking in a soft voice. Minho continued avoiding his eyes, looking down at his fumbling hands.

“Minho, I need you to talk to me. You can trust me, I won’t judge you for what’s going on inside your head. We’re a team, and that means what is bugging you bugs me as well.”

Minho began feeling a lump forming in his throat. He didn’t want to tell Chan his issue, but he knew that after the breakdown they all witnessed, Chan wasn’t going to let him get away with the silence again.

“I’m not a good asset to the team..” Minho mumbled, still looking down.

“What do you mean you’re not a good asset? Minho, you helped choreograph our dance and stayed in late to help the members individually. You’re just as important as all the other members..”

“Yeah, that’s what it seems like right now. But as soon as you realize who I really am, I’m going to be nothing more than a burden,” Minho replied. He regretted saying it as soon as the words escaped his mouth, because now he knew for a fact that Chan was going to interrogate him.

“What do you mean who you really are?” Chan questioned confused. Minho continued staring down at his hands, unable to speak. He didn’t want to tell him- this could destroy their relationship.

“Minho, answer me.” 

“I’m gay Chan.” Minho said, his voice cracking at the last syllable. There we go. He just told the biggest secret of his life. He just told Chan the very thing he had been hiding from the members from the moment he saw them. There was no going back. It was all destroyed. Minho destroyed them. He fucked it all up.

“I’m fucking gay hyung. And I hate myself for it. I hate the fact that I don’t want to get too affectionate with the members in case I begin liking them. I hate the fact that my sexuality is causing so many problems for me. I hate that I didn’t want to debut with you guys despite working so hard because I knew about this. And now I hate that I’m the reason you guys are stressed out. You don’t deserve this. You guys have worked too hard for someone like me to come and destroy it all.” Minho said, his eyes releasing tears at a rapid pace. He was directly looking at Chan now through his wet eyes, and could see the shocked expression on the latters face. Minho continued to cry, trying his best to muffle his voice so the other members couldn’t hear. He looked down and closed his eyes, unable to process what he just told Chan. Until he felt a pair of arms wrap around him. His sobs got louder as Chan pressed Minho close to him, running his hand through Minho’s soft hair. Minho gripped fistfuls of Chan's sweatshirt, not wanting him to leave. He needed this. He needed to tell someone what had been polluting his mind for the last few months and it felt good to finally get it off his chest. But at the same time, he was scared that Chan would leave him, disgusted by what Minho had just said. He didn’t want to let go of Chan, he held him like he never held anyone before. And Chan hugged him back like his life depended on it. Chan just began to understand the extent of what Minho was going through- how he had been suffering alone and in quiet. Regret and sorrow began infiltrating his body and he continued to let Minho cry, not letting go of him.

“Minho..” Chan managed to say, still processing what he was just told.

“Minho look at me.” Minho got his head up from Chan's neck and looked at the leader through his glossy eyes, trying his best to control his rapid breathing.

“Minho, there is nothing wrong with being gay. You shouldn’t hate yourself for something you can’t control. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have told me, or the other members sooner. We won’t love or treat you any less just because your gay. It’s okay. There’s nothing to worry about..” Chan said softly, staring at Minho with his warm eyes. It just made Minho's heart ache more because now he began thinking of his destroyed relationship with Jisung, and how it was all his fault; how he didn’t relay his feelings to Jisung and instead, made him hate him.  
“Minho, if you want, I can keep this to myself. But, you can also tell the other members and I promise you they won’t love you any different,” Cha continued, trying his best to reassure Minho that everything was going to be just fine. Minho tried his best to control his ragged breathing.

“Hyung, please keep this to yourself. I don’t want anyone else to know yet. Not at least until the showcase is over.” Minho said in between hiccups. Chan looked at him and gave him a soft smile. For a moment there, Minho didn’t think that he was walking on a tightrope.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 3 am and Jisung couldn’t sleep. His mind kept darting to Minho and how he broke down as soon as he got home. How hurt must Minho have felt to cry like that in front of his members? Jisung felt guilty, he knew he contributed to that sadness. There was a day left until their showcase, and Jisung wanted nothing more than to make up with Minho. With each passing day, Jisung was feeling more need to talk to Minho and tell him how he felt- he wanted to explain why he said what he said, and that he regretted it. He wanted to apologize for ever making Minho hurt, and tell him that he loved him. He was sure that Minho didn’t feel the same way towards him, but he needed to get this weight off his chest. At least then, he wouldn’t wish for more with Minho and they both could go back to being friends. These thoughts rummaged through Jisungs mind until he finally got up and made his way over to Minho’s room. Hyunjin and Felix ended up sleeping in Changbin and Seungmin’s room since Minho and Chan’s conversation went on for so long. So with no one else in the room, now was the perfect time to come clean to Minho. He opened the door quietly, only to be met with darkness. But he saw Minho lay there, covers over his face. 

“Minho-hyung..” Jisung whispered. He saw Minho take the covers off his face, obviously the latter wasn’t sleeping just like him. Minho looked at Jisung confused, and Jisung took this as an opportunity to walk inside and shut the door behind him. He turned on the lamp and stood beside Minho’s bed. Minho got up and sat, making room for Jisung to sit down as well. There was an awkward silence in the room- this was the first time in a week since he’d been alone with Jisung, let alone have a proper conversation with him. Jisung shifted awkwardly, looking down at his lap before finally looking at Minho.

“I’m sorry hyung..” Jisung began. Minho continued to look down at his hands, unable to say anything.

“Hyung, I’m sorry for what I said the other day. I didn’t mean it, not even a word of it. I was just so frustrated and confused as to why you were avoiding me, especially since we’d been so close always. It came out the wrong way, and I know you were hurt by it. I’m really sorry,” Jisung continued. At this point, he felt slight tears forming in his eyes. Maybe this was all the guilt he felt the last few days coming out. Or maybe, it was the realization that his first proper conversation with Minho had to be because of an apology.

“I’m sorry too.. You didn’t deserve me ignoring you. I wasn’t thinking straight. I know what you said to me was because of anger,” Minho said after what felt like years. Jisung looked at him with tears in his eyes. Minho looked at Jisung a bit confused as to why he was crying. Had his avoidance taken such a big toll on Jisung? Minho began feeling a bit guilty. He tried to give Jisung a hug to console him until Jisung moved away slightly, leaving Minho feeling even more guilty.

“Hyung, I need to tell you something.” Jisung quietly said, looking down now. Minho looked at him with anxious eyes, nervous for what Jisung was about to say. Did he not want to be friends anymore? Had Minho been too harsh? All these thoughts began flowing in Minho’s mind and his heart began beating faster. Jisung looked at him for a few seconds before finally speaking.

“Hyung.. I was so impacted by you avoiding me because I like you..” Jisung said softly.

He means it in a platonic manner.

“I’m sorry Jisung, I-”

“No hyung, I like you. When you began ignoring me and not talking to me, I realized that I liked you and needed you in a manner that’s different then the other members. I realized I liked you more than friends. I realized that I loved you and wanted you and couldn’t bear the thought of you avoiding me. So my frustration came out the wrong way and I didn’t know how to apologize. I know I hurt you but I want you to know that it wasn’t because I hated you, it was because I liked you. And I know you may not feel the same towards me, but I hope we can go back to being how we were before.” Jisung rambled. He looked at Minho with pure eyes and Minho sat there in shock, unable to process what just happened. What Jisung just told him.

“Jisung, are you telling me that you like me more than a friend?” Minho questioned, still stunned but seeking clarification if that’s what Jisung truly meant.

“Yeah, but if you don’t feel the same, don’t worry, we can just be-”

Minho grabbed Jisung and pulled him into a tight hug. A hug just as tight as the one he’d felt from Chan when he came out to him. He didn’t want to let go of Jisung, of this dream. His heart was pounding and he felt Jisung’s beating just as fast against his chest.

“Oh Han Jisung, you’re so stupid..” Minho mumbled into Jisungs neck. Jisung was confused by what Minho meant, until Minho got up from Jisungs embrace and told him everything. Everything. He told him how he was gay and how he didn’t want to debut with them because he was scared of what the memebrs would say if they found out. He told him how after a while, he began hating himself because his sexuality was impeding on everything. How he liked Jisung and wanted to get over him so maybe he wouldn’t have to come out to the others and that led him to ignoring Jisung. How he told Chan about him being gay just a few hours ago. Everything. Jisung sat there in shock, listening to each word that came out of Minho's mouth carefully. He felt upset at himself for letting the latter go through this misery on his own for so long. After Minho finished, he looked at Jisung with wide eyes, clearly a sense of relief passing through him as he got everything off of his chest. Jisung stared back, blinking.

“Can I kiss you hyung?” was all Jisung managed to say. Now that he knew Minho felt the same way, he didn’t want anything more but to be with Minho and makeup for the pain and loneliness he felt for the last few months. Minho sat there shocked, but nodded his head lightly. Jisung got up and pressed his lips gently against Minho’s, feeling electricity run through his veins. Minho’s hands found them inside Jisungs hair, and with a little dominance, he pushed Jisung down on the bed, now hovering on top of him. They continued kissing passionately, Jisungs teeth grazing Minho’s lips lightly. Their kisses turned from passion to desperation for the other. Like the lack of the others presence for the past week was being made up now. Through their lips. Minho began trailing kisses down Jisungs jaw and soon on his neck, and Jisung’s hands were still tangled up in Minho’s soft brown hair. They were one, they felt so whole, and this felt so right. Minho looked at Jisung, his face red and his lips swollen. Their eyes met and Minho gave Jisung a smile. Jisung smiled back at him, his eyes twinkling. He pushed Minho’s face down and began kissing him again, laughing lightly against his plush lips. For once, Minho felt like he belonged. He felt normal. He felt okay. Everything was going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Woaahhh so that’s it!! This is my first EVER story so I really hope you guys liked it! Please let me know what you think!


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